Holy Crap

The beardy died today. He was just a baby! The Boy is crushed. We only had him for 3 weeks. He really didn’t eat much since we’d brought him home.

Much to my chagrin we’re getting a new one.

*My Arch Nemesis.

[editors note: even though I disliked the idea of a lizard living in my house I kind of liked him FROM A DISTANCE, behind glass. And, I would just like to state that I had NOTHING to do with his demise. Why, just last night I had lovingly prepared a tasty snack for him and the crickets. He’ll never know that every time I scratched Trixie’s ears I would whisper “you’re my favorite pet.” We’ll just keep that between us.]

Since you will be accessing the internet on your phones, I’ve done some heavy lifting for you and compiled a roadside attraction guide for you. I wish I was in the car with you. Actually, no, I don’t.

Indiana offers a lot of swell sights. Visit the Piatak Meats Cow or the Bullet Proof Anti-Gangster Pillbox in Goshen. Don’t miss the Windmill Water Tower in LaGrange, According to the site, it is built in the “Petticoat Junction style” so definitely worth a look.

As you head into Ohio, you don’t want to miss the World’s Largest Bronze Falcon . Then you”ll want to visit the  Walleye Capital of the World (who knew?) and the NOT TO BE MISSED Duct Tape Capital of the World. There’s also The World’s Largest Rubber Stamp to be seen. Apparently, Ohio likes to think of itself as the capital of the world for all things mundane.

Finally, you’ve reached Pennsylvania where you will want to miss my birthplace. But that’s at the end of PA and it’s a really big state with lots of sights to see. First, there’s a Large Cow Statue right near Rt. 80 and really, who can resist a large cow statue? Have you noticed how it’s not the World’s Largest Cow Statue? You’ll have to drive all the way to New Salem, ND to see that. BUT, have no fear! Just because PA doesn’t have the world’s largest cow doesn’t mean they can’t have the World’s Largest Hamburgers. I suggest you make the stop in Clearfield for lunch or dinner. You’ll be too far from the Williamsport Little League statue to visit, but don’t fret! You will be passing by Frackville and you can see The Statue of A Pioneer Mom with Scary Child. You can literally see the Literal Fork In The Road in Centerport, if you’re so inclined.

You’re in New Jersey now and, that means Netcong’s Wild West City! Because New Jersey is west of Long Island. Since you’ve been driving so long, you’ll want to pay homage to the George Segal statue of a Toll Booth Collector. One day, our children will believe that this was a form of mummification for travelers.

Speaking of mummification, you can visit the Time Capsules from the 1939 and 1964 World’s Fair in Flushing before heading over to the Colonial Era McDonald’s in New Hyde Park.

And by “getting ready” I mean mixing a smart cocktail.

I’ll be over at the Twitter if anyone needs me. My kids (heretofore known by their street name: “the10s”) will be providing color commentary and fact checking. Or they will be just telling me who the artists are and rolling their eyes.

1. We spoke to the guy who is installing the new cesspool next week. The new fence our new neighbors just put up will need about 30
feet removed in order for him to get his equipment into the back yard. The new neighbors are a nice young couple that we want to be friends with. They have invited our family, along with the rest of the neighborhood to an open house next Friday.

Before they had the fence installed they told us about their plans. We told them we were pricing a new cesspool and if they could wait two or three weeks it might be better. They chose not to wait and put in the fence immediately. We are going to offer to split the cost with them in the spirit of neighborliness. If they refuse we may be forced to take other measures which will not make for the best situation. It’s a shame. I think they were really just acting on impulse. They are so young, I don’t think they are malicious, just naive.

But, really. Ugh. Who needs this nonsense?

2. Speaking of nonsense I don’t need… My new sitter just left a lengthy voice mail for me. Have I mentioned that I really, really like her and that the kids have taken to her really well? She is a Special Ed coordinator at a local school district. She gets out of work at 3:00 and can be at my house by 3:30 to pick up the kids at the bus. She has twin 17 year old daughters who dance at the same dance school as my daughter. They are interested in sitting on weekends to make some extra cash. It’s all too perfect.

Her boss quit and the school district has asked her to pick up extra hours until they find a replacement. It doesn’t look like they will be replacing her boss anytime soon. Crap. I don’t want to find someone else. Ugh.

3. Even though I had a swanky cocktail I am feeling pissy and edgy and stinky. Also, low barometric pressure headache coming on. Irene, you are a bitch already and you haven’t hit Long Island yet.